This is How a Heart Officially Breaks
by Austen's Girl
Summary: Why is that she can't let go of something that isn't hers anymore? Moreover, why doesn't she want to?


"Rachel?" The confusion that settled over his beautiful features was enough to make her heart clench.

she hadn't really thought about what she was doing. She just kind of did. She supposes that was her downfall right? She just felt too damn much.

And that's why she was standing outside of the locker rooms just to make sure he was okay. She wasn't stalking him.

She wasn't.

Okay so maybe She was a little.

But you don't love someone for so long and then have it turn off that easy. Because it's not easy. It's hard. Every single day getting up and facing the day knowing that he's not hers anymore is hard.

She had tried that whole forcing him to forgive her because she's Rachel Berry and she gets what she wants. That was an epic fail.

No really.

It sucked.

He walked away from her then, "officially" breaking up with her (not really sure what he had done before but the finality of his words made her realize that any shot she had had before was completely gone now).

But just because he told her those awful words the truth was that she had been in love with him for so long she wasn't even really sure how to _not_ be in love with him.

So she was.

Still in love with him.

And she's pretty sure he knew that, but they were both playing that "if I don't name the elephant in the room then it's really not there" game.

She was losing.

Badly.

She had left him alone for the most part, because as much as she loved him, she's not a masochist, being told you're "mean", and that someone doesn't want to be with you all the time doesn't really do much for the ego. But that didn't make it easier, because when she did that she was _completely_ out of his life.

They didn't sit with each other in class, she went back to sitting in the back. Alone. Lunch was spent by herself in the library, or some other quiet spot. Alone. She didn't attempt to sit with anyone from Glee because the thought of them rejecting her too was too much for her to handle. Besides most of them sat with _him_ anyway, and she was leaving him alone remember?

Glee.

It was the worst, because as much as she tried to _not_ sing with him, Mr. Shue _insisted_ that they perform together. She was pretty sure the older man derived some sort of sick pleasure out of watching her suffer (not really because she knew that he was suffering in the same way, and she knew he was trying to help them in his own mis-guided way). So she sang, and they sounded great, and they looked great, because despite everything that happened their chemistry was sill undeniable.

Though as soon as they were done they all just went back to ignoring her, and ignoring everything that had happened. It didn't bother her really, not being included, she never had before so why should it change now.

But before she had _him._

_He_ made up for _them._

But now she had neither, and she felt as though she was just going through the motions. But she did it, and when she heard about the championships and that _he _was going to be the starting quarterback she couldn't stop herself from showing up to support him. Even though he wouldn't know she was there, even though she would sit by herself in the stands and watch like the outsider that she was, she would still be there.

Because she loved him.

It was that simple.

Maybe she was a masochist after all.

But when the final score had been tallied and McKinley had lost by just seven points she could literally feel his heart break from her solitary spot in the stands.

So she waited for him outside the locker room.

She also noted how not one other person even noticed her there.

It was almost liberating if it hadn't been so depressing.

When he finally emerged with Puck at his side and he stared at her like she was a foreign object, she felt ridiculous. But she was Rachel Berry and she had a purpose. She wasn't here to beg him for forgiveness.

She _wasn't_.

She was here to make sure he wasn't completely heart-broken over the loss. She knew how much he had been counting on this game, and she knew how much of the blame he would take because of its outcome.

"H-h-h-hi Finn." Curse her and her nervous stammering.

"Rachel what are you doing here?" She could feel him literally shut down in front of her. And she knew why. He was expecting some grand gesture of her undying love, and the thought had crossed her mind, but she was trying to just be nice.

Honestly.

No hidden agenda.

Well, it wouldn't be that hidden would it? It wasn't hard to tell she was still in love with him. She jus wishes there was a way to tell if he was still in love with her.

That would make this at least seem worth it right?

Yeah, she was definitely a masochist.

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay." The voice that came out of her was too quiet, too timid. He noticed this too 'cause she could see his demeanor relax a little.

"I'm fine thanks." His voice was soft, and she could tell he was trying to keep emotion out of it, but he'd never really been good about hiding how he felt.

"Really? Because that was an epic loss and I know how much this –" She was interrupted before she could get to the end of her sentence.

"It's fine. I'm fine. But my mom and Burt are waiting for me so I gotta go." He turned to leave and she wishes that was where she had left it.

Did she mention she was a masochist?

"Okay, just remember that sometimes being special sucks, but in the end it's usually worth it." She could feel his entire body tense.

Crap.

That wasn't what she intended. She hadn't wanted to push him, or make any sort of reference to their past, but it had come out of her mouth before she could even stop it. Damn verbal diarrhea.

"Rachel don't do this. Not right now. Not here." She could hear the crack in his voice, and she knew by his refusal to turn around that he was trying to hide his emotions again.

"I'm not Finn. I promise I just wanted you to know that you did your best out there today and that you should be proud of that." She could see him nod his head in response, and he continued to walk before he stopped and left her with this doozy.

"Why does it always feel like _my_ best isn't good enough." He was gone before she had even digested the words.

That was it.

That was her heart "officially" breaking.

She finally got what he had been talking about before.

Now it was just up to her to make him see that that wasn't true.

It was just the how she was concerned about.


End file.
